Crabs in a Bucket

This town.

Hmmm.....

As soon as someone finds their way and finds something in life to fight for.... their happiness....we all end up as crabs in a bucket. We're all suddenly fighting but only few of us are fighting for something and many are just against. Fighting for the sake of fighting and fighting for the sake of tearing something apart that was good. Once one of us starts to surface it won't be long before you feel the smack down. If you want something like 'dreams' you have to be strong enough to fight against being pulled down.

When you find yourself as a crab in the bucket only then you begin to find who your real supporters & friends are and who are the ones that can't wait to dig their claws into you thinking it will take them further. But it won't.

I'm feeling the claws but that doesn't phase me.

Life Threw Me a Bone pt.1

I was back in Toronto for my call back with a modelling agent. This time I was ready for it though. I basically chugged back some caffeine and was ready to strut into the office. I wanted this now. I knew I was good enough. When I sat down within just a few seconds she said that I had a unique look that not many of her models had for my category. I was in.

Whoa.

She passed me my contract and I read it twice lawyer style and scribbled my name down. She never told me to lose weight or change anything about myself -I couldn't believe it I was so pleased. From there things snowballed and karma was finally on my side. Every day I went out in Toronto I had boys hitting me up, I was getting modelling offers.... it almost felt like a joke.

I walk into this super hip studio in this artsy area at the end of the week. Surprisingly I wasn't the least bit nervous. This was my first shoot for my agent so I could make my comp cards. The photographer, make up artist, hair stylist were the shit. I LOVED my photographer. He was so cool to work with and he was definitely very talented. Everything felt right and came easy.

This felt right.

Life Has Been Kicking My Ass. For Once I Want to Kick It Back.

I have been in Toronto quite a bit in the past week. I just arrived here again tonight.

Tomorrow I have my 'call back' in Toronto with an agency that met with me last week. I will write more about my last week in my next post :)

I don't really know why I tried for this to be honest. I never wanted to do anything professionally with modelling because I didn't want to compromise certain things about myself or to feel judged by people behind a desk. I never got into this to get anything out of it... it sounds strange to most people but its TRUE! It took a long time for me to be satisfied with myself and everyday there is atleast one moment where I am not. I can handle it when its me but I can't handle other people rejecting me.

When I get back from Cali and if I still want to work with an agency I will go through with two more meetings I have planned.

I don't know why I am doing this tomorrow but I am doing it. I don't know why but I'm doing it. Everything is a learning experience and in life sometimes you just need to keep putting yourself out there- sometimes even when you're not ready. I don't know if they will call me fat tomorrow and recommend I lose weight, change my hair colour or take out my contacts. I will probably agree to it but in reality they will never see me again if thats the case.

I feel very rejected lately with relationships and its left me uneasy.... I don't know a good word for it. I wouldn't say 'a mess' because I'm too classy for that but I wouldn't say 'I'm fine' either. So that has been raping my mind lately. At least I know I've tried my absolute, without a doubt HARDEST. I tried.

One of my older friends works with professional athletes. He told me about the psychological part of his job where he has to help to clear their minds and help them focus on the end result- the goal. I am trying to clear my mind and to see the end of the tunnel.

Life has been kicking my ass lately and sometimes things get worse before they get better. Its AMAZING when it gets better though! I feel like I have reached a rocky bottom right now so ....putting it out there (like I mentioned before)....

Dear Life,

Give me a break.

xoxo

kisses& licks

your slave,

Suzanne ;)

What I Want to do About Forever ♥

So I decided to grow a pair recently haha.

After trying to avoid being in public to avoid the dreaded "What are you doing here? You're not in school?" from people that know my parents.

NO I didn't go to school and I DON'T CARE.

I am so happy that I never went. I hated my program before I even went. The week before everyone moved into school (this would have been me) it hit me what I wanted to do with my life. ♥

Isn't that sad? It took me SO long to open up & I almost fucked up.

I want to go to school for film. I remember when I was younger I wanted to be a director for the longest time. So many adults rolled their eyes at me- it was so hard to say it confidently anymore. After that I started changing my mind & getting caught up in the wrong things.

But this is it. I WISH I could study film in the U.S. but we shall see.

I would LOVE to make music videos but I would also love to make films too.

I've always wanted to make movies ♥

I haven't really told anyone and I don't really want to until I make it.... or I'm studying it. People are so judgemental if you want to do something creative for a living. This would probably be a good time for me to mention that my mother is an artist. Artist as in... she paints and people will buy it. If you drove through the town I am from and saw all of the paintings on the buildings or inside some- those paintings were done by my mom :)

She also teaches classes too! With a mother thats an artist I have seen first hand that a lot of people don't really know art. Yes, everyone's idea of art is different. What I'm trying to say is sometimes people don't appreciate it. We live in a world where everything needs to be clean cut perfect and thats a flaw. So when you set out to break the mould or be and do something creative people look at you through judgemental eyes.

Fuck those miserable people.

Then there is always the dreaded question that comes with such a risk.

Mom: What if it doesn't work out? What if you can't make a living as a director or what if you're scripts don't sell?

Me: I'll direct porn.

*awkward silence*

Mom: Hahaha !! Well I suppose the demand is there for that

Hahaha sometimes I don't give my mom enough credit for how awesome she is somedays lol

Finishing Off the W's Pt.2

A lot of time has gone by since this past winter and as a person I have changed so much. I have had some of the most amazing support from family, the 3/4 best friends since I'm the 4th haha (Rachel, Kaylee, Melanie), Carol, and some of the most amazing support from Mel A.

I never talked to Bernard about what I was going through but he completely changed my life and I think he made me a better and happier person. To this day I still think so highly of him. He's a really amazing person.

I have a better appreciation for my life now.

I'm happy.

With everything I had been going through with relationships, school, work etc. I still had the looming stress of whether I would cut it in University. Was I smart enough to be a business student? Apparently I was. But did University cut it for me? No.

Out of fear of not making it into school I made a list of everything I'd love to do in a year that I might have to take off incase I couldn't get it. This list grew by the day. If I was sad or upset I'd come up with ideas or plans that made me feel happy just by thinking about them. My list is still growing. Before I knew it the list kicked the SHIT out of University.

I have never been so happy. This list began to shape my life and future without me knowing it. Its funny how drastically things changed once I stopped planning my life around money, expectations of others, fears, worries etc. I stopped planning my life. I planned certain hopes, goals and dreams I had for myself and now they are all coming my way. My own expectations of myself are growing bigger now.

Why can't we make our lives our bucket lists?

What are some things you'd like to accomplish, see, do, be, try, learn before you die?

What if the only thing thats holding you back is yourself?

'Why'

My last W

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. " -Fight Club

There was a point when I lost it all or hated it all. I lost myself in other people (& still do from time to time) and wrapped myself in the hatred of the things I had to do- or so I thought.

But thats not life and thats not living.

So This is Freedom eh? I LOVE IT

You know that feeling that you get when everything is working the way you'd hoped? That happened to me today and I am normally very discontent. I woke up and had breakfast with my friend Rachel and brother William. They had to rush off to school and my world that was once spinning suddenly stood still.

Today was the first day of school... for just about everyone that I know...except for me.

You'd think this would make me veg in front of the T.V. but when it comes to me having the opportunity to do my own thing 'veggie' is the last thing I want.

I woke up at 7 for breakfast, did ab ripper and a lower body work out then showered up. I checked my emails finally and I have some modelling offers. My mom and I will be in Toronto in a few weeks so this will be perfect for me to meet with a photographer.

I know some people are going to start thinking "You don't do anything" since I work weekends up until Thanksgiving weekend but 5 days a week 'I'm doin' me'. I graduated high school and I did my time. Yes I could have gone to University but deep down I am proud that I didn't for various reasons- particularly due to the job market. I don't throw it in peoples faces the same way that they throw their Facebook status' in mine, "Finally getting out of this town" or "Starting a new life". These are the types of things that they might say making it seem as though Muskoka were a prison. Home is where the heart is. If your family is here this will always be home - don't you forget where you came from.

I feel like I earned the chance to have a break for the next month and a half (even though I do work). In this past school year I at one point had 2 jobs, then 3 jobs, then 1 job then a new job. I worked 9-5 five days a week all summer and skipped SO many parties...part time 5-9, 4-9 shifts don't have shit on my continuously repetitive job. I worked like a dog all year and pushed myself to get my math credits completed and math is hard since my gr.11 teacher was LAZY- doesn't really make gr.12 much easier. My hearts broken twice and everyone around me is dying slowly but surely or has already. I worked my ass off and did it all- all that I wanted to achieve academically, extra curricularily (if only that were a word).

So suck on that.

Because I did it.

Now I can chill for a bit. I am wound SO tight I need time. Mentally and emotionally. I already feel better after just one short day.

Today I walked to the bank and deposited some cheques for about a thousand into savings. I am big into saving money even though I have a lot of people that always try to borrow- its really upsetting for me since I am a very independent person that works hard.

I also went to the post office hoping that the book I ordered would be there- no dice. :'(

I went to the grocery store to pick up some pictures and talked to my old boss who was working in the Photolab. She was an excellent boss and I will always have so much respect for her. I don't normally think this of people I've worked with but I hope she emails me and keeps me posted about her life. She's VERY inspirational and supportive. She told me she was proud of me for taking a year off to experience life.

Thank you Dorothy :)

Afterwards I walked to Olivers and got a blended Chai

Mecha Oh-i-Shi! (very delicious in japanese)

Rachel and Carol were finished school and came to meet me there after school and we went to ANOTHER place I used to work at as a cosmetician so we could buy some make up.

Its been raining so much and I have been flipping through my big fat new Vogue mag. My cousin Emily called today and we talked a lot about New York. Her and her bf will probably come with me for New Years which would be AMAZING. Emily is also a photographer and so is her Bf so maybe some mini NY shoots? I do hope so :)

Everything is going as planned. I need some room to breathe so that I can begin to write. I am writing a book which people stick their nose up at ....well... fuck you- what have those types of judgemental people done for the world lately? Acted like a snot? Lets all thank the dream crushers for wasting our time. SPECIAL THANK YOU TO THE ASS HOLES OUT THERE.... really appreciate the lack of purpose you have played in my life ;)

They forget.... I am stubborn. If I really want something it is going to happen lol.

I will also be starting a business which is super secret ;) I don't want anyone to know until it is up and running smoothly. I won't be able to start for another week or two so for now I am just going to enjoy the calm before the storm and hopefully working out more and playing more tennis.

Completed List :

- Wake up to the rain in the afternoon and tan in the late afternoon.

- Watch Breakfast at Tiffanys with Rachel wearing pearls and sipping Strawberry Daiquiris out of flutes (this was added later but oh so classy)

- Confronted my boss

- Made Rice Crispy Squares

- Cuddled with Bernard one last time

- Watched the stars (with Bernard)

- Finally looked someone in the eye and told them my plans next year without feeling shame.

**- My boss told me that I was a wonderful person that will do something big and make a difference **

Excellent first day !! :)

Couldn't have been more motivating and encouraging.

Stupid Blogger

Ps. Thank you very much Blogger for I have already bolded specific things in previous posts yet you choose to bold EVERYTHING and now I cannot switch it back or bold my current post...

FUCK

YOU

BLOGGER

Update

Hi !

I haven't posted lately because I have been quite busy and have been sad.

Bernard and I broke up recently so its definitely been a downer. Its a little bit complicated but we still love each other and we still love to cuddle up and watch movies together (including Scarface yesterday!).

Maybe someday if we work some things out things will change between us for the better :)

I hope so.

Today everyone has left for University/College and tomorrow my parents will be departing to Martha's Vineyard. One of my favourites. Sadly I am not allowed to go along and have to stay home! However, it occurred to me while grocery shopping today with my mom that while my friends are moving into residence I am being left with a house on the water front...

YES !!

My contract has also changed so now I went from having two days off to having two days of work. VACATION! I am so excited to just do my own thing.

Even though I have been really bummed out lately and the weather has been depressing and dark I figured why not write a happy blog? Lots of cute, fun, happy things have happened lately so why not write about those?

I finally got my Tiffany's necklace (just like the one in the pic!) and my new Macbook.... I am on it now actually! Its super cute. I also got the ipod touch too! I have been looking for Louis Vuitton cases for it because I am addicted to Louis Vuitton. I love getting things in the mail! Its like Christmas :)

I am still waiting on my new extensions and a book I ordered called "The Power of Now."

Yes I am such a philosophy nerd ;p ! I want to read more books like this oppose to the Autobiography or Sociological books I normally read so that I can continue to learn despite not being in school :)

So...

tonight is my first night as a single girl (excluding last night where I hung out with Bernard!)

Now many girls probably go out and get shit faced and perhaps make out/hook up with someone. BUT there are far more important matters at hand

things that far surpass the importance of

LOVE

What is that important thing you ask?

Well that important thing is my hair :)

I am fixing my roots tonight and also writing this blog to share with you a important realization that I have come to in terms of beauty and fashion.

The Ballerina Bun <3

The pic below is of my friend Rachel and I goofing around sporting what we call a 'tourist bun'. The tourist bun is the typical lazy hair do of a girl who is visiting Muskoka that either assumes everyone up here does that to her hair ....or she doesn't need to try up here because we are hicks (she thinks).

These ugly hair-dos are not allowed because we are classy bitches. Yes we will have the odd lazy day BUT you can only have so many lazy days until your just LAZY.

Gross.
Below is my inspiration. This first pic is my all time favourite! If someone invites me to prom this year I will totally sport this cute look and be an awesome date- just saying' :)

I love dress up !!!!!

This one is a little messier but it will pass because it is cute and doesn't look like a revolting rats nest.

Classy ! <3

SJP<3>

Need I say more?

Thank-you for reading !

Give Me a Chance

Mom & Dad,

I know that I am at that stage again where I am so excited yet frustrated with where I am in my life. I want it all and I want it now even though I don't really know what that is yet. I suppose my ambition is clear? I do know where my morals lye and that certain 9-5 shifts won't allow me to sleep tight at night. I am not just saying that either. When I find what I love you'll know it because that will be my 24/7.

Don't worry about me.

I know that I have dug in my heels. I hate my 9-5 and despite the scholarships I don't feel smart enough to go to University yet with your money. I don't know what I want to do or what I will contribute to society. I have a lot of ideas and I will take those risks. I have to feel like I am actually doing something. I can't feel minuscule in my own life.

I do know that I can't say "I told you so" in the end. I would only be hurting myself.

I know you'll always love me & support me in whatever I do.

Let me try this my own way.

I am sorry if its not yours because I do listen to your advice- even if I don't practice it.

Give me a chance ....even if it doesn't work out in the end.

There are plenty of jobs that I can do and hate but only so few that I'll love.

Its worth it to love something

xoxo

i love you both.

Feedback !

I have already been posting for almost one month.

When I started I was a little discouraged thinking, "I wonder how many people are reading what I am writing now?" I used to have a lot of readers before I moved to blogger from facebook where I was able to reach tens of thousands that later made me a fan page reaching a couple hundred. I especially loved the support from my own hometown. Sadly its hard to grow in a small town but as time goes on I learn to cope.


I started to get some friend adds on blogger which got me very excited!
Then I started getting feedback...

I've been stopped in the street in my own town a couple of times now to hear something along the lines of, "I love your blog! It's so fun to read."
I love, love, love that.

Here is some more of my feedback that's encouraged me to keep going!

"Your blog was very inspiring and kept me reading, thanks for making my daaay and making me think bigger :) "

"I honestly believe you have some of the most interesting opinions and insights I ever heard...really refreshing in times like these. Please do write it all down! :) "

"...I like the way you question things, never taking anything for granted, never accepting other people's truths as well as, like me, being irritated on all the "zombies" out there making life so easy and boring for themselves. I also sense your underlying passion for the things you write about. I think it hard to believe that anything you write will ever be dull and uninteresting. Are you gonna do some traveling too?"

"Suzanneeee !!
I read your last blog, it's unreal. You're such a great writer. I wanted to tell you personally."



Thanks you guys for sending me these messages! I love hearing the feedback♥
Keep it coming.

I want to hear your thoughts and stories as well.

Mr.Brooks

Yesterday my mom went to the grocery store that I used to work at when I was a kid. I decided to sit in the car. We pulled into our spot while a white van pulled into the opposite one facing us. My mom left and I turned up some Zeppelin.

Mr. T.W. Brooks steps out of his van with a huge fluffy dog sticking his head out of the passenger seat. Who's T.W.? If you're ever in Gravenhurst and you see a man riding a horse down the sidewalks... that's T.W. A lot of people don't know him very well but he fascinated me ever since I was a kid.

When I still worked at the grocery store I was working as a Photolab Tech Assistant (lmao). Mr. T.W. Brooks always developed pictures of his horses and would show me all of his horses and would tell me a bit about their personalities. He lived by himself but he never let on like it was something that bothered him. Not many people know too much about him but everyone knows who he is. T.W. is a very straight up type of gentlemen- I always like that in people but a lot of people don't (no surprise). You can tell that he's worldly and has something interesting about him. Sometimes he dresses in some old military pieces that you can tell had once been brought to battle.

I mention T.W. because seeing him yesterday brought me back to a few years ago when I was working at the Photolab counter. He was showing me pictures of his horses and we started talking a bit.

T.W.: So what are you going to do when you're done?
Me: School you mean?
T.W.: Ya
Me: Probably just go to university

"I remember when I was finishing school... we were all suppose to go to Europe. We all made plans to backpack through the continent and live like Europeans. I will never forget the day that I walked across that tarmac and I never saw a single one of them there with me. I just went by myself and they all went off to school. I had the best time. I remember when I'd sometimes just sleep in the fields", T.W. told me.

I got an image in my head of a younger T.W. in a golden field with the sun setting on it, falling asleep on his backpack with horses sleeping scattered all through the field.


Why did I remember this in the parking lot? My friends are counting down the days until they move for university or college or they are counting down the days to their victory lap. I met this one really cool guy on my facebook that's actually from Bracebridge. He took a year off and toured all through places like Mexico. I love hearing from people that have gone on trips like that- it's inspiring. He asked if I was going to travel on my own. It never really occurred to me...but ya... I am. Everyone seems to be concerned except for me. I am usually scared of everything but I guess this just sits well with me.

Seeing T.W. reminded me of my image of a European farm out in the open. Now when I picture next year I get an image of myself napping in the hot California sun with the sand forming around the outline of my body.


We were all supposed to get world tickets. I am the only person I know itching to buy her plane tickets. I guess you have to go at it on your own sometimes. This isn't the first time I have looked around saying "But I thought that...oh fuck it! Whatever." There is something very fulfilling that comes from saying, "Ya, I can do it on my own."

I know I've been talking about Cali and NY. Everyone has been telling me about couch surfing though. I gave a tour today to an older Chinese couple with a nephew touring Europe with a backpack. My parents will kill me for suggesting it. I can picture it now...

"You're a pretty girl! You can't do that."

....I kind of want to. I'm sorry.

Maybe this is what will happen after New Years in NY?
I'm going to sign up and see where it goes....

♥

Finishing Off the W's pt.1

When and where...is already explained.
'Why'...hm I don't know where to begin.

I had my life planned out since I was 14. I was going to drift through high school, commit to university, get a job (not caring what I did- just as long as I made enough), marry my then boyfriend, kids ... blah blah blah. I thought that would all happen.

I applied to school for business- even though I hate math! But I guess we're all whores in different ways willing to go to certain lengths for a price. I wanted to take business for the money.

After all of the acceptance letters came in my mailbox I was pretty happy and confident that everything would go as well as I'd hoped. February and March 2010 are a depressing blur for my now. A couple days before or after my birthday (I forget now) my boyfriend of 5yrs. dumped me. Him and I don't talk to this day and he's never told me why he ended it- he only told me that he never loved me for the last two months of it then disappeared.

It took a while to pry that knife out of my back.
It was hard when his sister was threatening to sue me for slander. Go right ahead?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-UJQGwzyxo

I was working as a cosmetician at the time for a boss that enjoyed belittling me and playing head games just to hurt me. I worked 20-25 hours a week (trying to keep a high academic standing) and if I ever said "I am not able to work this much because I need some time for school", she'd threaten to fire me because I needed to show more 'commitment'. I fainted at work a couple of times from stress and nerves either in front of her or behind my counter. Once you wake up it doesn't really matter that you fainted- you just wanted to go home.

I don't want to get into all of the shit she put me through... all I can say is I went in there recently and "she's not here anymore", "Why?", "We don't know"... did she leave? Or did she have to leave? This moment (as much as I hate to admit it) felt as good as when I booked off the days I wanted in the last two weeks for parties, camping etc. then handed in my two weeks notice before quiting.

With all of this happening I couldn't sit at home and work on my homeshooled academic maths that I was relying on to get me into shool. I had alot of trouble being by myself.

Those days were the absolute hardest days to get through. I stopped doing my work because I couldn't sit at home alone in depressing winter months doing math after what was going on. I gave up. I couldn't focus on what I had to do or anything infront of me. I sometimes went to school even though I had no classes there just so that I could be around people. At home I couldn't 'Solve for X' I could only think about 'there is rope in the shed'. There was a whole month were I couldn't go a day without thinking of the rope at least once per day. Sometimes it wasn't just rope either. It's a sad reality of the point I was at even though I knew I loved my family and had to remind myself constantly. I hated my life- but I loved my family and my friends. I felt betrayed by the choices I had made and the people that I trusted.


Then it hit me. I was doing all of the things that I didn't want to do. I worked for a boss that hurt me emotionally no matter how hard I tried (and to be honest- scared the shit out of me!). I did math which I hated, just to go to school- school being something I don't really like to do. Why did I put myself through this abuse? For a better future? The future didn't matter at this point- nor does the distant future matter to me anymore because we never know when that distant future really ends. What I was facing at that presant time was one of the scariest and most lonely points I'd ever reached.
I hated myself and my life and each day
went by
one day
at a time.

[to be continued].

****Special thanks to Kaylee Schoen for her amazing photography! Super fun shoot together!*****

Up Next:
Finishing Off the W's pt. 2

The List Has Begun

So much has been happening! I don't even know what to write or where to begin. I have been sick for a while with food poisoning lmao but I feel better now so I can get back to running laps after work and ab ripper.

I guess this is a good time to discuss 'The List'. The List being my list of things to do and accomplish. I am keeping it private until I do accomplish something on it- then I will post some of those things...unless I forget.

First off I'd like to give a shout out to my bestie Mel who moved away Tuesday to get ready and settled in for school. I am very excited for her since she really is the sweetest girl so I am very excited to hear about all of the new things/experiences and people that she will encounter.

Rachel, Me, Melanie

Completed:

-Stayed awake at the Drive-in
-Got Backstage at a concert
- ...& I am going to add 'surviving food poisoning' cuz that just f*cking sucked.


NEVER TYPE SYMPTOMS INTO GOOGLE! all signs point to pregnant for an 18yr-old girl. Since I am barely capable of keeping my room clean... that google search made me feel that much more sick to my stomach lol.

So before my friend Mel left Rach, Mel and I chose to go to a concert seeing as it seemed like a fun way to start ending off the summer. Kaylee couldn't make it but we did a few pre-shots just for her. We got to the concert and found out that some people had been waiting for two hours! Way too long and was so hot outside that you could sweat by just standing there.

Rachels friend was working that night and came over and chatted with us and said she'd let us in early. She definitly did. We walked past everyone and got some hater stares but whatever. We were at the very front and rocked out- especially Rach. She's wild and I totally love her for it♥. The singer of the opening band tossed her his bandana with marijuana leafs on it haha. It was a great night. At the end we found him and he even recognized us and gave us hugs! I will proudly sport my "Got Kush?" band tank (at a party)...despite the fact that I am anti-drugs lol

I am super embarassed that my first pics posted of me on this site are ones taken after a concert on a humid day. I promise.... I do shower :) I think I look pretty deece after having been sweat on by a bunch of horny teenage girls, no? lol

We walked outside bummed that it was all over and almost went to a party when we saw Nicole again and she said we should be backstage. We walk back there and there were muscians everywhere. I was definitly not prepared but all of the guys were so cool to chill with. I was so happy to meet Bucky he's so chill. He held my hand during Rich Girl$ and high fived me when I saw him again lol. I refuse to post any other pics on here since I look gross. But it was an awesome last hang out with Mel♥

The day afterward I classy-d it up lots and hit up Toronto with some of my other good friends Mark, Vanessa, Brit and Jon. We seriously spent the whole day shopping- I loved it. I especially loved our long convos in the car about life, work, religion, education, drugs etc. They are all such deep people and so well spoken. I love hearing from people that have something important to say (especially outside of the norm.) and just know how to say it. I loved it.

I had an excellent weekend.
Crossed off some of the list.

Up next:
Finishing Off the W's

Sometimes...

I am sorry.
But before I dig a little deeper into why I'm here and what I'm doing I'd like to take a break.

I've seen major change in people lately and such major changes in their lives. I'd like to applaud those that are moving forward in their lives and carrying with them all of the optimism in the world. Moving forward can sometimes be the most difficult thing that you can do. I admire your bravery.

However, I know that some of you may have cold feet, you feel stuck with where you are now in your lives, you feel down or you feel uncertain of your purpose. I will be the first to tell you that its completely normal to feel that way- no need to call your local therapist or doctor. You're going to be fine.

How do I know? Well it's safe to say that I'm there with you.



Everyong feels this way at some point at all different stages in their lives. You could be in high school dealing with relationships/friendships/marks or graduating and moving on to further your education in a career, you may be struggling to find your 'dream job' or you may feel unhappy in your current career, relationships, living situation etc. You may be retired struggling to find purpose or wish you felt needed.

I assure you that everyones life has purpose and either you have found it or you will. Life isn't always easy but thats just part of the excitement- even if it doesn't seem that way now. Whenever you're stuck or unsure you're learning- you're learning and better understanding who it is that you are.

Sure, sometimes there will be people that will let you down or kick dirt in your face...my dear friend...we have middle fingers for this exact reason- don't be shy ;)

Sometimes there is no other way but up.

Make life happen for yourself. Nobody else is going to.

Its all you.

WHAT

A blog like this might seem typical.

But I don't care.

Whats this blog about?

This blog is about my year off.

I've spent so much of my life doing all of the things that I don't want to do. My parents (who are workaholics) will be the first to tell you that, "In life there will be plenty of things that you don't want to do- but you've to got to do them."

What happens if I do the things that make me happy?

Could that then manifest itself into my future career, life, home etc.

I am moving to California in the fall after I finish my contract at my current 9-5 job.

I want to see San Diego, Orange County, Los Angeles.

Everywhere I look now, every channel I turn on, book I open the word/image of "California" is looking me in the face. I haven't been this excited in a long time.

Things To Do in California:

-Photoshoots/Model

-Tan

-Learn to surf... surf everyday

-Meet a 'celebrity'

-Meet new and interesting people

-Learn something or do something new/special each day

-Start my book

...I will add some more things later :)

Oh ! I should probably meantion this now. I did learn something at school while I was there before I homeschooled myself.... I learned that I don't support our education system. I am going to begin writing my book about post secondary education. I don't expect to sell a single copy but at least I can get this weight off my shoulders and off of my chest.

After California I will come home for Christmas :)

I love my family so much and I will miss them.

Afterwards I will hopefully spend New Years in ... New York !! (Of course)

I've always felt like my New Years could have been that much better if I were right there when the ball dropped. I will probably be epically poor by this point so finding a hotel around new years will probably cost me an arm and a leg and a louis vuitton bag but I'll manage. Something tells me I won't be in NY for too long haha.

After that? Well.... who knows ! I'm taking this one step at a time. Will I go to Europe? Will I go to Asia? Will I go back to California? ....or will I live it up in Canada for the wiiiiiiinter? Who knows.

Not knowing is the exciting part.

This isn't just about the places I will go to though. It will also be about all of the little things inbetween and the experiences I will have to help me to grow as a person and experience the life that I wouldn't normally have experienced if I hadn't chosen to wait a year.

xoxo

-Suzanne

Who?

Hey I'm Suzanne.



I may have gone to school with you, grew up with you, worked with you, met you through a friend, met you at a party or accepted you onto my very popular/overpopulated facebook page that served me with my 15 minutes of fame...that lasted 4 years providing me with approx 20 000+ friends on and off.


Or if this is your first time hearing about me- Hey !



Either way I see myself as being nobody special. I'm just here. I went through the motions and finished school with great marks and did everything I was told. Was I happy? No. I forced myself to apply for commerce and marketing with fear that I'd end up a loser if I didn't-thats high school brainwashing for you. I got accepted early with scholarships to all and to this day the universities still harass me to go to theirs.




Why didn't I go?


Well this may sound stupid...but I just didn't want to go.


I will someday - but only when I feel that it's right and not forced upon me like the biggest scam/rip off/debt going.
Not to say all of my friends made the wrong choice... I just almost did.

So now I'm here.


Friends with potential nurses, engineers, surgeons, brewmasters, teachers, lawyers, journalists, politicians and businessmen/woman.


Relatives asking me "What are you going to do with the rest of your life?"
It's hard for me to explain that I don't want to be like them. Or at least like many of the people I've met.

I already work a 9-5 full time government job that I hate. I don't want to live my life for the money, doing something that I hate, something I will never get any recognition for.

I want to find my happiness in something that I can be proud of.

So whats next?