Give Me a Chance

Mom & Dad,

I know that I am at that stage again where I am so excited yet frustrated with where I am in my life. I want it all and I want it now even though I don't really know what that is yet. I suppose my ambition is clear? I do know where my morals lye and that certain 9-5 shifts won't allow me to sleep tight at night. I am not just saying that either. When I find what I love you'll know it because that will be my 24/7.

Don't worry about me.

I know that I have dug in my heels. I hate my 9-5 and despite the scholarships I don't feel smart enough to go to University yet with your money. I don't know what I want to do or what I will contribute to society. I have a lot of ideas and I will take those risks. I have to feel like I am actually doing something. I can't feel minuscule in my own life.

I do know that I can't say "I told you so" in the end. I would only be hurting myself.

I know you'll always love me & support me in whatever I do.

Let me try this my own way.

I am sorry if its not yours because I do listen to your advice- even if I don't practice it.

Give me a chance ....even if it doesn't work out in the end.

There are plenty of jobs that I can do and hate but only so few that I'll love.

Its worth it to love something

xoxo

i love you both.

Feedback !

I have already been posting for almost one month.

When I started I was a little discouraged thinking, "I wonder how many people are reading what I am writing now?" I used to have a lot of readers before I moved to blogger from facebook where I was able to reach tens of thousands that later made me a fan page reaching a couple hundred. I especially loved the support from my own hometown. Sadly its hard to grow in a small town but as time goes on I learn to cope.


I started to get some friend adds on blogger which got me very excited!
Then I started getting feedback...

I've been stopped in the street in my own town a couple of times now to hear something along the lines of, "I love your blog! It's so fun to read."
I love, love, love that.

Here is some more of my feedback that's encouraged me to keep going!

"Your blog was very inspiring and kept me reading, thanks for making my daaay and making me think bigger :) "

"I honestly believe you have some of the most interesting opinions and insights I ever heard...really refreshing in times like these. Please do write it all down! :) "

"...I like the way you question things, never taking anything for granted, never accepting other people's truths as well as, like me, being irritated on all the "zombies" out there making life so easy and boring for themselves. I also sense your underlying passion for the things you write about. I think it hard to believe that anything you write will ever be dull and uninteresting. Are you gonna do some traveling too?"

"Suzanneeee !!
I read your last blog, it's unreal. You're such a great writer. I wanted to tell you personally."



Thanks you guys for sending me these messages! I love hearing the feedback♥
Keep it coming.

I want to hear your thoughts and stories as well.

Mr.Brooks

Yesterday my mom went to the grocery store that I used to work at when I was a kid. I decided to sit in the car. We pulled into our spot while a white van pulled into the opposite one facing us. My mom left and I turned up some Zeppelin.

Mr. T.W. Brooks steps out of his van with a huge fluffy dog sticking his head out of the passenger seat. Who's T.W.? If you're ever in Gravenhurst and you see a man riding a horse down the sidewalks... that's T.W. A lot of people don't know him very well but he fascinated me ever since I was a kid.

When I still worked at the grocery store I was working as a Photolab Tech Assistant (lmao). Mr. T.W. Brooks always developed pictures of his horses and would show me all of his horses and would tell me a bit about their personalities. He lived by himself but he never let on like it was something that bothered him. Not many people know too much about him but everyone knows who he is. T.W. is a very straight up type of gentlemen- I always like that in people but a lot of people don't (no surprise). You can tell that he's worldly and has something interesting about him. Sometimes he dresses in some old military pieces that you can tell had once been brought to battle.

I mention T.W. because seeing him yesterday brought me back to a few years ago when I was working at the Photolab counter. He was showing me pictures of his horses and we started talking a bit.

T.W.: So what are you going to do when you're done?
Me: School you mean?
T.W.: Ya
Me: Probably just go to university

"I remember when I was finishing school... we were all suppose to go to Europe. We all made plans to backpack through the continent and live like Europeans. I will never forget the day that I walked across that tarmac and I never saw a single one of them there with me. I just went by myself and they all went off to school. I had the best time. I remember when I'd sometimes just sleep in the fields", T.W. told me.

I got an image in my head of a younger T.W. in a golden field with the sun setting on it, falling asleep on his backpack with horses sleeping scattered all through the field.


Why did I remember this in the parking lot? My friends are counting down the days until they move for university or college or they are counting down the days to their victory lap. I met this one really cool guy on my facebook that's actually from Bracebridge. He took a year off and toured all through places like Mexico. I love hearing from people that have gone on trips like that- it's inspiring. He asked if I was going to travel on my own. It never really occurred to me...but ya... I am. Everyone seems to be concerned except for me. I am usually scared of everything but I guess this just sits well with me.

Seeing T.W. reminded me of my image of a European farm out in the open. Now when I picture next year I get an image of myself napping in the hot California sun with the sand forming around the outline of my body.


We were all supposed to get world tickets. I am the only person I know itching to buy her plane tickets. I guess you have to go at it on your own sometimes. This isn't the first time I have looked around saying "But I thought that...oh fuck it! Whatever." There is something very fulfilling that comes from saying, "Ya, I can do it on my own."

I know I've been talking about Cali and NY. Everyone has been telling me about couch surfing though. I gave a tour today to an older Chinese couple with a nephew touring Europe with a backpack. My parents will kill me for suggesting it. I can picture it now...

"You're a pretty girl! You can't do that."

....I kind of want to. I'm sorry.

Maybe this is what will happen after New Years in NY?
I'm going to sign up and see where it goes....

♥

Finishing Off the W's pt.1

When and where...is already explained.
'Why'...hm I don't know where to begin.

I had my life planned out since I was 14. I was going to drift through high school, commit to university, get a job (not caring what I did- just as long as I made enough), marry my then boyfriend, kids ... blah blah blah. I thought that would all happen.

I applied to school for business- even though I hate math! But I guess we're all whores in different ways willing to go to certain lengths for a price. I wanted to take business for the money.

After all of the acceptance letters came in my mailbox I was pretty happy and confident that everything would go as well as I'd hoped. February and March 2010 are a depressing blur for my now. A couple days before or after my birthday (I forget now) my boyfriend of 5yrs. dumped me. Him and I don't talk to this day and he's never told me why he ended it- he only told me that he never loved me for the last two months of it then disappeared.

It took a while to pry that knife out of my back.
It was hard when his sister was threatening to sue me for slander. Go right ahead?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-UJQGwzyxo

I was working as a cosmetician at the time for a boss that enjoyed belittling me and playing head games just to hurt me. I worked 20-25 hours a week (trying to keep a high academic standing) and if I ever said "I am not able to work this much because I need some time for school", she'd threaten to fire me because I needed to show more 'commitment'. I fainted at work a couple of times from stress and nerves either in front of her or behind my counter. Once you wake up it doesn't really matter that you fainted- you just wanted to go home.

I don't want to get into all of the shit she put me through... all I can say is I went in there recently and "she's not here anymore", "Why?", "We don't know"... did she leave? Or did she have to leave? This moment (as much as I hate to admit it) felt as good as when I booked off the days I wanted in the last two weeks for parties, camping etc. then handed in my two weeks notice before quiting.

With all of this happening I couldn't sit at home and work on my homeshooled academic maths that I was relying on to get me into shool. I had alot of trouble being by myself.

Those days were the absolute hardest days to get through. I stopped doing my work because I couldn't sit at home alone in depressing winter months doing math after what was going on. I gave up. I couldn't focus on what I had to do or anything infront of me. I sometimes went to school even though I had no classes there just so that I could be around people. At home I couldn't 'Solve for X' I could only think about 'there is rope in the shed'. There was a whole month were I couldn't go a day without thinking of the rope at least once per day. Sometimes it wasn't just rope either. It's a sad reality of the point I was at even though I knew I loved my family and had to remind myself constantly. I hated my life- but I loved my family and my friends. I felt betrayed by the choices I had made and the people that I trusted.


Then it hit me. I was doing all of the things that I didn't want to do. I worked for a boss that hurt me emotionally no matter how hard I tried (and to be honest- scared the shit out of me!). I did math which I hated, just to go to school- school being something I don't really like to do. Why did I put myself through this abuse? For a better future? The future didn't matter at this point- nor does the distant future matter to me anymore because we never know when that distant future really ends. What I was facing at that presant time was one of the scariest and most lonely points I'd ever reached.
I hated myself and my life and each day
went by
one day
at a time.

[to be continued].

****Special thanks to Kaylee Schoen for her amazing photography! Super fun shoot together!*****

Up Next:
Finishing Off the W's pt. 2

The List Has Begun

So much has been happening! I don't even know what to write or where to begin. I have been sick for a while with food poisoning lmao but I feel better now so I can get back to running laps after work and ab ripper.

I guess this is a good time to discuss 'The List'. The List being my list of things to do and accomplish. I am keeping it private until I do accomplish something on it- then I will post some of those things...unless I forget.

First off I'd like to give a shout out to my bestie Mel who moved away Tuesday to get ready and settled in for school. I am very excited for her since she really is the sweetest girl so I am very excited to hear about all of the new things/experiences and people that she will encounter.

Rachel, Me, Melanie

Completed:

-Stayed awake at the Drive-in
-Got Backstage at a concert
- ...& I am going to add 'surviving food poisoning' cuz that just f*cking sucked.


NEVER TYPE SYMPTOMS INTO GOOGLE! all signs point to pregnant for an 18yr-old girl. Since I am barely capable of keeping my room clean... that google search made me feel that much more sick to my stomach lol.

So before my friend Mel left Rach, Mel and I chose to go to a concert seeing as it seemed like a fun way to start ending off the summer. Kaylee couldn't make it but we did a few pre-shots just for her. We got to the concert and found out that some people had been waiting for two hours! Way too long and was so hot outside that you could sweat by just standing there.

Rachels friend was working that night and came over and chatted with us and said she'd let us in early. She definitly did. We walked past everyone and got some hater stares but whatever. We were at the very front and rocked out- especially Rach. She's wild and I totally love her for it♥. The singer of the opening band tossed her his bandana with marijuana leafs on it haha. It was a great night. At the end we found him and he even recognized us and gave us hugs! I will proudly sport my "Got Kush?" band tank (at a party)...despite the fact that I am anti-drugs lol

I am super embarassed that my first pics posted of me on this site are ones taken after a concert on a humid day. I promise.... I do shower :) I think I look pretty deece after having been sweat on by a bunch of horny teenage girls, no? lol

We walked outside bummed that it was all over and almost went to a party when we saw Nicole again and she said we should be backstage. We walk back there and there were muscians everywhere. I was definitly not prepared but all of the guys were so cool to chill with. I was so happy to meet Bucky he's so chill. He held my hand during Rich Girl$ and high fived me when I saw him again lol. I refuse to post any other pics on here since I look gross. But it was an awesome last hang out with Mel♥

The day afterward I classy-d it up lots and hit up Toronto with some of my other good friends Mark, Vanessa, Brit and Jon. We seriously spent the whole day shopping- I loved it. I especially loved our long convos in the car about life, work, religion, education, drugs etc. They are all such deep people and so well spoken. I love hearing from people that have something important to say (especially outside of the norm.) and just know how to say it. I loved it.

I had an excellent weekend.
Crossed off some of the list.

Up next:
Finishing Off the W's

Sometimes...

I am sorry.
But before I dig a little deeper into why I'm here and what I'm doing I'd like to take a break.

I've seen major change in people lately and such major changes in their lives. I'd like to applaud those that are moving forward in their lives and carrying with them all of the optimism in the world. Moving forward can sometimes be the most difficult thing that you can do. I admire your bravery.

However, I know that some of you may have cold feet, you feel stuck with where you are now in your lives, you feel down or you feel uncertain of your purpose. I will be the first to tell you that its completely normal to feel that way- no need to call your local therapist or doctor. You're going to be fine.

How do I know? Well it's safe to say that I'm there with you.



Everyong feels this way at some point at all different stages in their lives. You could be in high school dealing with relationships/friendships/marks or graduating and moving on to further your education in a career, you may be struggling to find your 'dream job' or you may feel unhappy in your current career, relationships, living situation etc. You may be retired struggling to find purpose or wish you felt needed.

I assure you that everyones life has purpose and either you have found it or you will. Life isn't always easy but thats just part of the excitement- even if it doesn't seem that way now. Whenever you're stuck or unsure you're learning- you're learning and better understanding who it is that you are.

Sure, sometimes there will be people that will let you down or kick dirt in your face...my dear friend...we have middle fingers for this exact reason- don't be shy ;)

Sometimes there is no other way but up.

Make life happen for yourself. Nobody else is going to.

Its all you.

WHAT

A blog like this might seem typical.

But I don't care.

Whats this blog about?

This blog is about my year off.

I've spent so much of my life doing all of the things that I don't want to do. My parents (who are workaholics) will be the first to tell you that, "In life there will be plenty of things that you don't want to do- but you've to got to do them."

What happens if I do the things that make me happy?

Could that then manifest itself into my future career, life, home etc.

I am moving to California in the fall after I finish my contract at my current 9-5 job.

I want to see San Diego, Orange County, Los Angeles.

Everywhere I look now, every channel I turn on, book I open the word/image of "California" is looking me in the face. I haven't been this excited in a long time.

Things To Do in California:

-Photoshoots/Model

-Tan

-Learn to surf... surf everyday

-Meet a 'celebrity'

-Meet new and interesting people

-Learn something or do something new/special each day

-Start my book

...I will add some more things later :)

Oh ! I should probably meantion this now. I did learn something at school while I was there before I homeschooled myself.... I learned that I don't support our education system. I am going to begin writing my book about post secondary education. I don't expect to sell a single copy but at least I can get this weight off my shoulders and off of my chest.

After California I will come home for Christmas :)

I love my family so much and I will miss them.

Afterwards I will hopefully spend New Years in ... New York !! (Of course)

I've always felt like my New Years could have been that much better if I were right there when the ball dropped. I will probably be epically poor by this point so finding a hotel around new years will probably cost me an arm and a leg and a louis vuitton bag but I'll manage. Something tells me I won't be in NY for too long haha.

After that? Well.... who knows ! I'm taking this one step at a time. Will I go to Europe? Will I go to Asia? Will I go back to California? ....or will I live it up in Canada for the wiiiiiiinter? Who knows.

Not knowing is the exciting part.

This isn't just about the places I will go to though. It will also be about all of the little things inbetween and the experiences I will have to help me to grow as a person and experience the life that I wouldn't normally have experienced if I hadn't chosen to wait a year.

xoxo

-Suzanne