Crabs in a Bucket

This town.

Hmmm.....

As soon as someone finds their way and finds something in life to fight for.... their happiness....we all end up as crabs in a bucket. We're all suddenly fighting but only few of us are fighting for something and many are just against. Fighting for the sake of fighting and fighting for the sake of tearing something apart that was good. Once one of us starts to surface it won't be long before you feel the smack down. If you want something like 'dreams' you have to be strong enough to fight against being pulled down.

When you find yourself as a crab in the bucket only then you begin to find who your real supporters & friends are and who are the ones that can't wait to dig their claws into you thinking it will take them further. But it won't.

I'm feeling the claws but that doesn't phase me.

Life Threw Me a Bone pt.1

I was back in Toronto for my call back with a modelling agent. This time I was ready for it though. I basically chugged back some caffeine and was ready to strut into the office. I wanted this now. I knew I was good enough. When I sat down within just a few seconds she said that I had a unique look that not many of her models had for my category. I was in.

Whoa.

She passed me my contract and I read it twice lawyer style and scribbled my name down. She never told me to lose weight or change anything about myself -I couldn't believe it I was so pleased. From there things snowballed and karma was finally on my side. Every day I went out in Toronto I had boys hitting me up, I was getting modelling offers.... it almost felt like a joke.

I walk into this super hip studio in this artsy area at the end of the week. Surprisingly I wasn't the least bit nervous. This was my first shoot for my agent so I could make my comp cards. The photographer, make up artist, hair stylist were the shit. I LOVED my photographer. He was so cool to work with and he was definitely very talented. Everything felt right and came easy.

This felt right.

Life Has Been Kicking My Ass. For Once I Want to Kick It Back.

I have been in Toronto quite a bit in the past week. I just arrived here again tonight.

Tomorrow I have my 'call back' in Toronto with an agency that met with me last week. I will write more about my last week in my next post :)

I don't really know why I tried for this to be honest. I never wanted to do anything professionally with modelling because I didn't want to compromise certain things about myself or to feel judged by people behind a desk. I never got into this to get anything out of it... it sounds strange to most people but its TRUE! It took a long time for me to be satisfied with myself and everyday there is atleast one moment where I am not. I can handle it when its me but I can't handle other people rejecting me.

When I get back from Cali and if I still want to work with an agency I will go through with two more meetings I have planned.

I don't know why I am doing this tomorrow but I am doing it. I don't know why but I'm doing it. Everything is a learning experience and in life sometimes you just need to keep putting yourself out there- sometimes even when you're not ready. I don't know if they will call me fat tomorrow and recommend I lose weight, change my hair colour or take out my contacts. I will probably agree to it but in reality they will never see me again if thats the case.

I feel very rejected lately with relationships and its left me uneasy.... I don't know a good word for it. I wouldn't say 'a mess' because I'm too classy for that but I wouldn't say 'I'm fine' either. So that has been raping my mind lately. At least I know I've tried my absolute, without a doubt HARDEST. I tried.

One of my older friends works with professional athletes. He told me about the psychological part of his job where he has to help to clear their minds and help them focus on the end result- the goal. I am trying to clear my mind and to see the end of the tunnel.

Life has been kicking my ass lately and sometimes things get worse before they get better. Its AMAZING when it gets better though! I feel like I have reached a rocky bottom right now so ....putting it out there (like I mentioned before)....

Dear Life,

Give me a break.

xoxo

kisses& licks

your slave,

Suzanne ;)