What I Want to do About Forever ♥

So I decided to grow a pair recently haha.

After trying to avoid being in public to avoid the dreaded "What are you doing here? You're not in school?" from people that know my parents.

NO I didn't go to school and I DON'T CARE.

I am so happy that I never went. I hated my program before I even went. The week before everyone moved into school (this would have been me) it hit me what I wanted to do with my life. ♥

Isn't that sad? It took me SO long to open up & I almost fucked up.

I want to go to school for film. I remember when I was younger I wanted to be a director for the longest time. So many adults rolled their eyes at me- it was so hard to say it confidently anymore. After that I started changing my mind & getting caught up in the wrong things.

But this is it. I WISH I could study film in the U.S. but we shall see.

I would LOVE to make music videos but I would also love to make films too.

I've always wanted to make movies ♥

I haven't really told anyone and I don't really want to until I make it.... or I'm studying it. People are so judgemental if you want to do something creative for a living. This would probably be a good time for me to mention that my mother is an artist. Artist as in... she paints and people will buy it. If you drove through the town I am from and saw all of the paintings on the buildings or inside some- those paintings were done by my mom :)

She also teaches classes too! With a mother thats an artist I have seen first hand that a lot of people don't really know art. Yes, everyone's idea of art is different. What I'm trying to say is sometimes people don't appreciate it. We live in a world where everything needs to be clean cut perfect and thats a flaw. So when you set out to break the mould or be and do something creative people look at you through judgemental eyes.

Fuck those miserable people.

Then there is always the dreaded question that comes with such a risk.

Mom: What if it doesn't work out? What if you can't make a living as a director or what if you're scripts don't sell?

Me: I'll direct porn.

*awkward silence*

Mom: Hahaha !! Well I suppose the demand is there for that

Hahaha sometimes I don't give my mom enough credit for how awesome she is somedays lol

Finishing Off the W's Pt.2

A lot of time has gone by since this past winter and as a person I have changed so much. I have had some of the most amazing support from family, the 3/4 best friends since I'm the 4th haha (Rachel, Kaylee, Melanie), Carol, and some of the most amazing support from Mel A.

I never talked to Bernard about what I was going through but he completely changed my life and I think he made me a better and happier person. To this day I still think so highly of him. He's a really amazing person.

I have a better appreciation for my life now.

I'm happy.

With everything I had been going through with relationships, school, work etc. I still had the looming stress of whether I would cut it in University. Was I smart enough to be a business student? Apparently I was. But did University cut it for me? No.

Out of fear of not making it into school I made a list of everything I'd love to do in a year that I might have to take off incase I couldn't get it. This list grew by the day. If I was sad or upset I'd come up with ideas or plans that made me feel happy just by thinking about them. My list is still growing. Before I knew it the list kicked the SHIT out of University.

I have never been so happy. This list began to shape my life and future without me knowing it. Its funny how drastically things changed once I stopped planning my life around money, expectations of others, fears, worries etc. I stopped planning my life. I planned certain hopes, goals and dreams I had for myself and now they are all coming my way. My own expectations of myself are growing bigger now.

Why can't we make our lives our bucket lists?

What are some things you'd like to accomplish, see, do, be, try, learn before you die?

What if the only thing thats holding you back is yourself?

'Why'

My last W

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. " -Fight Club

There was a point when I lost it all or hated it all. I lost myself in other people (& still do from time to time) and wrapped myself in the hatred of the things I had to do- or so I thought.

But thats not life and thats not living.

So This is Freedom eh? I LOVE IT

You know that feeling that you get when everything is working the way you'd hoped? That happened to me today and I am normally very discontent. I woke up and had breakfast with my friend Rachel and brother William. They had to rush off to school and my world that was once spinning suddenly stood still.

Today was the first day of school... for just about everyone that I know...except for me.

You'd think this would make me veg in front of the T.V. but when it comes to me having the opportunity to do my own thing 'veggie' is the last thing I want.

I woke up at 7 for breakfast, did ab ripper and a lower body work out then showered up. I checked my emails finally and I have some modelling offers. My mom and I will be in Toronto in a few weeks so this will be perfect for me to meet with a photographer.

I know some people are going to start thinking "You don't do anything" since I work weekends up until Thanksgiving weekend but 5 days a week 'I'm doin' me'. I graduated high school and I did my time. Yes I could have gone to University but deep down I am proud that I didn't for various reasons- particularly due to the job market. I don't throw it in peoples faces the same way that they throw their Facebook status' in mine, "Finally getting out of this town" or "Starting a new life". These are the types of things that they might say making it seem as though Muskoka were a prison. Home is where the heart is. If your family is here this will always be home - don't you forget where you came from.

I feel like I earned the chance to have a break for the next month and a half (even though I do work). In this past school year I at one point had 2 jobs, then 3 jobs, then 1 job then a new job. I worked 9-5 five days a week all summer and skipped SO many parties...part time 5-9, 4-9 shifts don't have shit on my continuously repetitive job. I worked like a dog all year and pushed myself to get my math credits completed and math is hard since my gr.11 teacher was LAZY- doesn't really make gr.12 much easier. My hearts broken twice and everyone around me is dying slowly but surely or has already. I worked my ass off and did it all- all that I wanted to achieve academically, extra curricularily (if only that were a word).

So suck on that.

Because I did it.

Now I can chill for a bit. I am wound SO tight I need time. Mentally and emotionally. I already feel better after just one short day.

Today I walked to the bank and deposited some cheques for about a thousand into savings. I am big into saving money even though I have a lot of people that always try to borrow- its really upsetting for me since I am a very independent person that works hard.

I also went to the post office hoping that the book I ordered would be there- no dice. :'(

I went to the grocery store to pick up some pictures and talked to my old boss who was working in the Photolab. She was an excellent boss and I will always have so much respect for her. I don't normally think this of people I've worked with but I hope she emails me and keeps me posted about her life. She's VERY inspirational and supportive. She told me she was proud of me for taking a year off to experience life.

Thank you Dorothy :)

Afterwards I walked to Olivers and got a blended Chai

Mecha Oh-i-Shi! (very delicious in japanese)

Rachel and Carol were finished school and came to meet me there after school and we went to ANOTHER place I used to work at as a cosmetician so we could buy some make up.

Its been raining so much and I have been flipping through my big fat new Vogue mag. My cousin Emily called today and we talked a lot about New York. Her and her bf will probably come with me for New Years which would be AMAZING. Emily is also a photographer and so is her Bf so maybe some mini NY shoots? I do hope so :)

Everything is going as planned. I need some room to breathe so that I can begin to write. I am writing a book which people stick their nose up at ....well... fuck you- what have those types of judgemental people done for the world lately? Acted like a snot? Lets all thank the dream crushers for wasting our time. SPECIAL THANK YOU TO THE ASS HOLES OUT THERE.... really appreciate the lack of purpose you have played in my life ;)

They forget.... I am stubborn. If I really want something it is going to happen lol.

I will also be starting a business which is super secret ;) I don't want anyone to know until it is up and running smoothly. I won't be able to start for another week or two so for now I am just going to enjoy the calm before the storm and hopefully working out more and playing more tennis.

Completed List :

- Wake up to the rain in the afternoon and tan in the late afternoon.

- Watch Breakfast at Tiffanys with Rachel wearing pearls and sipping Strawberry Daiquiris out of flutes (this was added later but oh so classy)

- Confronted my boss

- Made Rice Crispy Squares

- Cuddled with Bernard one last time

- Watched the stars (with Bernard)

- Finally looked someone in the eye and told them my plans next year without feeling shame.

**- My boss told me that I was a wonderful person that will do something big and make a difference **

Excellent first day !! :)

Couldn't have been more motivating and encouraging.

Stupid Blogger

Ps. Thank you very much Blogger for I have already bolded specific things in previous posts yet you choose to bold EVERYTHING and now I cannot switch it back or bold my current post...

FUCK

YOU

BLOGGER

Update

Hi !

I haven't posted lately because I have been quite busy and have been sad.

Bernard and I broke up recently so its definitely been a downer. Its a little bit complicated but we still love each other and we still love to cuddle up and watch movies together (including Scarface yesterday!).

Maybe someday if we work some things out things will change between us for the better :)

I hope so.

Today everyone has left for University/College and tomorrow my parents will be departing to Martha's Vineyard. One of my favourites. Sadly I am not allowed to go along and have to stay home! However, it occurred to me while grocery shopping today with my mom that while my friends are moving into residence I am being left with a house on the water front...

YES !!

My contract has also changed so now I went from having two days off to having two days of work. VACATION! I am so excited to just do my own thing.

Even though I have been really bummed out lately and the weather has been depressing and dark I figured why not write a happy blog? Lots of cute, fun, happy things have happened lately so why not write about those?

I finally got my Tiffany's necklace (just like the one in the pic!) and my new Macbook.... I am on it now actually! Its super cute. I also got the ipod touch too! I have been looking for Louis Vuitton cases for it because I am addicted to Louis Vuitton. I love getting things in the mail! Its like Christmas :)

I am still waiting on my new extensions and a book I ordered called "The Power of Now."

Yes I am such a philosophy nerd ;p ! I want to read more books like this oppose to the Autobiography or Sociological books I normally read so that I can continue to learn despite not being in school :)

So...

tonight is my first night as a single girl (excluding last night where I hung out with Bernard!)

Now many girls probably go out and get shit faced and perhaps make out/hook up with someone. BUT there are far more important matters at hand

things that far surpass the importance of

LOVE

What is that important thing you ask?

Well that important thing is my hair :)

I am fixing my roots tonight and also writing this blog to share with you a important realization that I have come to in terms of beauty and fashion.

The Ballerina Bun <3

The pic below is of my friend Rachel and I goofing around sporting what we call a 'tourist bun'. The tourist bun is the typical lazy hair do of a girl who is visiting Muskoka that either assumes everyone up here does that to her hair ....or she doesn't need to try up here because we are hicks (she thinks).

These ugly hair-dos are not allowed because we are classy bitches. Yes we will have the odd lazy day BUT you can only have so many lazy days until your just LAZY.

Gross.
Below is my inspiration. This first pic is my all time favourite! If someone invites me to prom this year I will totally sport this cute look and be an awesome date- just saying' :)

I love dress up !!!!!

This one is a little messier but it will pass because it is cute and doesn't look like a revolting rats nest.

Classy ! <3

SJP<3>

Need I say more?

Thank-you for reading !