'Why'...hm I don't know where to begin.
I had my life planned out since I was 14. I was going to drift through high school, commit to university, get a job (not caring what I did- just as long as I made enough), marry my then boyfriend, kids ... blah blah blah. I thought that would all happen.
I applied to school for business- even though I hate math! But I guess we're all whores in different ways willing to go to certain lengths for a price. I wanted to take business for the money.
After all of the acceptance letters came in my mailbox I was pretty happy and confident that everything would go as well as I'd hoped. February and March 2010 are a depressing blur for my now. A couple days before or after my birthday (I forget now) my boyfriend of 5yrs. dumped me. Him and I don't talk to this day and he's never told me why he ended it- he only told me that he never loved me for the last two months of it then disappeared.
It took a while to pry that knife out of my back.
It was hard when his sister was threatening to sue me for slander. Go right ahead?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-UJQGwzyxo
I was working as a cosmetician at the time for a boss that enjoyed belittling me and playing head games just to hurt me. I worked 20-25 hours a week (trying to keep a high academic standing) and if I ever said "I am not able to work this much because I need some time for school", she'd threaten to fire me because I needed to show more 'commitment'. I fainted at work a couple of times from stress and nerves either in front of her or behind my counter. Once you wake up it doesn't really matter that you fainted- you just wanted to go home.
I don't want to get into all of the shit she put me through... all I can say is I went in there recently and "she's not here anymore", "Why?", "We don't know"... did she leave? Or did she have to leave? This moment (as much as I hate to admit it) felt as good as when I booked off the days I wanted in the last two weeks for parties, camping etc. then handed in my two weeks notice before quiting.
With all of this happening I couldn't sit at home and work on my homeshooled academic maths that I was relying on to get me into shool. I had alot of trouble being by myself.
Those days were the absolute hardest days to get through. I stopped doing my work because I couldn't sit at home alone in depressing winter months doing math after what was going on. I gave up. I couldn't focus on what I had to do or anything infront of me. I sometimes went to school even though I had no classes there just so that I could be around people. At home I couldn't 'Solve for X' I could only think about 'there is rope in the shed'. There was a whole month were I couldn't go a day without thinking of the rope at least once per day. Sometimes it wasn't just rope either. It's a sad reality of the point I was at even though I knew I loved my family and had to remind myself constantly. I hated my life- but I loved my family and my friends. I felt betrayed by the choices I had made and the people that I trusted.
Then it hit me. I was doing all of the things that I didn't want to do. I worked for a boss that hurt me emotionally no matter how hard I tried (and to be honest- scared the shit out of me!). I did math which I hated, just to go to school- school being something I don't really like to do. Why did I put myself through this abuse? For a better future? The future didn't matter at this point- nor does the distant future matter to me anymore because we never know when that distant future really ends. What I was facing at that presant time was one of the scariest and most lonely points I'd ever reached.
I hated myself and my life and each day
went by
one day
at a time.
[to be continued].
****Special thanks to Kaylee Schoen for her amazing photography! Super fun shoot together!*****
Up Next:
Finishing Off the W's pt. 2
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